wow this is depressing?? also this was twice as long but i had to cut it down.

[identity profile] nobleleader.livejournal.com 2011-02-20 04:31 am (UTC)(link)
# 247 Fiona Apple | Used to Love Him

Emile'd warned him, way back. Even Kat's patience with this wasn't endless, even Kat got tired of waiting for something that she wasn't going to get. None of them could blame her, really. The Commander was utterly brilliant on the battlefield, and not one of them would have said that they didn't trust him to watch their backs on and off the field. When things weren't as complicated, though- during downtime, during times when all of them could actually relax, it seemed like he couldn't.

Even here, on the station, when all they had to worry about was keeping certain people in line, Carter was always Commander Carter; he was finding the habit harder and harder to shake, no matter how hard he tried. It wasn't for lack of trying, either- he could get along with civvies just fine, could walk the walk and talk the talk and no one was the wiser.

It's just, Kat was waiting on him. He knew it, just as much as everyone else did. And normally, with certain things riding on his shoulders, he did nothing but exceed expectations, but with this-- well, with this, it wasn't so easy. Things stayed the same.

The shower has room, Commander, Kat offers, wearing nothing but a pair of his boxers and one of his shirts, standing in the doorway to the bathroom, and it's like the fifty other times before she's offered, all long legs and bared skin and Carter wants to say yes, because he wants this, wants her.

He smiles, just the faintest twitch of his lips and rolls out of bed, shaking his head.

Maybe later, he answers, and pretends like he doesn't see the look on Kat's face that's frustration and a little bit of anger all mixed in, her hand clutching the doorway tight enough it creaks in protest. It's how it happens every single time, countless times until Kat finally realizes it's going to stop.






Emile'd warned him.

"...I understand," Carter says carefully, forcing himself to look at her, because for some reason, even when being berated by Mendez, it didn't hurt this much. Which, really, considering the look on Kat's face, is unfair. He's hurt her more than she's hurting him at the moment, and he shoves any of the sting down, fights that back. This whole mess started because he can't function properly- can't separate work from life, and can't actually take a hold of the idea of having a normal life.

"Do you?" Kat asks, tone a little sharper than she realizes, and she shakes her head before he can formulate an answer, not wanting to hear it. "Five years is too long, Commander."

"I know." And he does know, he really does. It isn't like he means to string her along, it isn't like he doesn't want her, but work always comes first, and he can't find that balance, though not for lack of trying. He can't blame her for finally giving up, for telling him no, this time. Carter sucks in a breath and gives her the crookedest of smiles, no humor in it. "If that's all, Kat."

She looks like she wants to hit him, honestly- that brief flash of something across her face as she stares at him, and then shakes her head, a quick jerk of her chin, hand curling into a ball. "It would seem it is," she says, and this time, makes no attempt to hide the ice in her tone. Stupid, maybe, but she'd hoped he'd fight for it. Fight her, at least. He's good at fighting everything else, and while she'll never deny that she knows how to get her way with him, she hadn't wanted her way with this.